The House

The sun dreams of her bed and begins her descent. The man wipes his brow and looks around. Everyone else is gone. They have been gone for a long time now, but he refuses to give up. He knows that when it's finished, this plot of empty will hold a house. A house for a family. He committed to this job, and he will finish. The problem is the house itself. It doesn't want to be built. The man packs up his tools and rides off into the darkness and the house frame sighs in relief, when the man's red eyes disappear. Before the sun has has had her morning coffee, the man is back, hammering, drilling, sawing. All the while the house resists. The measured plank wont fit, the nails go missing, the batteries in the drill die. Sometimes the man can actually feel the house leaning away from him. He talks to it, trying to calm it down, aware that if anyone were there he would look crazy, but alone, he's comforted that he can talk to a house if he chooses. He laughs to himself as he realizes that everyone thinks he's nuts anyway, for continuing this long abandoned project. Days pass, weeks. The house continues to resist, sighing when his red lights vanish, and tensely holding its breath when the sun opens her eyes. Some days are better than others, but every day is a struggle. Still the man works. The frame gets finished, then the roof. He knows what he's doing, and he just does it, knowing that this project will be well worth the hardship. He doesn't know that the biggest fear of the house is standing, full, beautiful, and eternally empty.

3rd Person Perspective

I'm not sure if I believe in God.
Not because I haven't seen Him,
But because I'm not certain if I am worthy just yet.
Who knows when it will happen,
Who knows when I will prove myself?
The hands that have created this world is what I have yet to understand.

They say to feel love, you must first feel pain.
But to what degree?
When will I feel that unsettling feeling that will leave me in constant tears?
And how will I escape from it?
I have been hurt before,
But I don't think it is enough.
I have felt more pleasure than agony,
So much that I have lost count of my blessings.

And I never wonder if this is God communicating with me,
Telling me that what I am doing are good deeds,
Because I am not the only one in this world who suffers from happiness.
Instead I question His motives,
I question His character,
But most of all, I question His choices,
Wondering if all the lucky coins in my jar on the shelf were meant for me.

DId you know (Jan 26)

Did you know that in the making of The Incredibles, the animators had a really tough time keeping all the food in the right places when the family was at dinner? If you look closely, you can see some mistakes even, but you probably would never have seen them without knowing what to look for.

Did you know (Jan 25)

Did you know that the teachers who don't assign their own furlough days are literally working for no pay? The teachers at school have a 10% pay cut, which we know, and so have days where they won't be paid. Some teachers don't come to class on those days. Others do however, and so even though there is less money for more work on their part, they still come in and teach us, and they don't complain. Good job budget cuts.

Did you know (Jan 21)

Did you know that the word breakfast separates to make break fast? The reason it's called breakfast is because you are 'breaking your fast' from the last meal you ate.

Humboldt

While we were in Humboldt, I had some ideas for some writing, and I will hopefully continue them, but I just want to write them in here so I can delete them from my phone.

My heart quivers as I wait, sword drawn, for the beast the trees grow on to awake, (and to face me so that I can defeat it, or pretend to as my ancestors did before me. )

The trees ruffle their leaves and the sound of David Bowie breaking their eternal silence, but before they can reach out (to stop it) the car has passed (is past)

As I sit in the airport terminal waiting for my hour delayed flight, I am writing to keep myself occupied, but mostly writing to inform you of a righteous man who stood up for justice and world equality, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

His "I Have A Dream" speech doesn't even scratch the surface of what he did to change our society. The civil rights movement was a historical moment in history in which Dr. King influenced thousands with his powerful speeches and activity throughout America. Not only did he encourage African-Americans to demand their human rights, but he declared that all ethnicities unite for the greater good.

Today, on the radio, I was listening to his speech "If I were a Drumming Major" (I think that was the title, don't quote me on it) and it moved me. As an orator, Dr. King didn't just speak publicly, but he encouraged change, he brought forth optimism, and most of all, hope during troubling times when very few believed that our society would improve.

Knowing and understanding that the civil rights movement was barely 50 years ago and the impact it had on the decades afterward is astonishing. Though we still have so much to change and fight for, I am still very thankful that people like Dr. Martin Luther King have paved the way for me to fight for the cause even further. I look at my mother's birth certificate that classifies her as "Negro" and I think of how humble I am. I am able to eat at the same table with my friends who are of a different skin color, I have the right to vote and voice my opinions publicly, but most of all I am able to go to college without being scrutinized.

So many doors have opened for us as a nation, however; I still understand that there are many more that need to be unlocked in order to improve ourselves and our community. There is still racism out there, though at times it goes unnoticed. There is sexism, ableism (discrimination in favor of the able), homophobia, xenophobia, intolerance of religions, etc. It is up to our generation to make sure that these issues are not swept under the rug. It is up to us to identify the problem and propose plans to fix them.

So let's put up a good fight for those who helped us. Let's make sure that the next generation has something to learn from. And remember to not ignore those who fought and sacrificed for us.

Happy Birthday Dr. Martin Luther King.

I miss my dad. I miss going with him on a backpacking trip with no cell phones, no internet, no way of contacting me. Just me and my dad. I don't worry about what he thinks of me, I just know he'll love me no matter what. I miss my dad. I miss my family and the comfort that comes with it. I'm also sick of feeling like I wanna run far away because I'm tired of dealing with the way I feel. World doesn't work like that. Not even for a second. So now that I got that out of my system I'm gonna suck it up and go do something that distracts my restless mind.

What am I to do now?

I finished the last episode of my latest fix, brit drama/comedy Misfits. Now, I don't know what to do with my life. I guess I'll just watch American Idol, but nothing compares to Robert Sheehan's sexy face. Just look at him and tell me he isn't beautiful?

When I go back to school, I am going to be missing out on so many reality shows I've been watching like Bad Girls Club, The Real World Washington D.C, and Millionaire Matchmaker! I can't believe I've gotten so obsessed! I am seriously considering getting a t.v, but then I'll never be seen again by my friends and I'll skip class.

I don't remember what life was like without television. Help?

I hate chores

It’s a strange feeling running with an axe. I don’t much care for, especially going down hill. I wasn’t sure how it started, I think I tried to jump over a log and suddenly I was running. I tried to stop but the decline and my own momentum wouldn’t allow me. The only thing I could really think of was, “if I fall throw the axe one way and the clippers another.” I kept repeating it to myself, “throw the axe one way. Throw the axe away. Throw it.” At one point I almost convinced myself to throw it then and come back for it later. But I didn’t and eventually I was able to slow down. Still I wonder if I had tripped would I have reacted in time.

This was a huge pick-me-up

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Smolita

I'm PMSing. Do I have a song to express how I feel? Not really. Unless you have a song about an emotionally ravaged girl, jumping from extremes of every emotion you can imagine almost every hour. I wish there was someone who could write a song that clearly depicts exactly how I feel at my lowest, most depressed moment. Oh wait.



Really Sarah? Goodness. Cheer up.

Anyways. To be honest I really haven't been feeling the best emotionally and that is actually due to PMS. But seriously guys, I haven't been feeling as bad as our friend Sarah here.

I'm back in San Francisco studying spanish. Funny thing is, when I have a nice person willing to explain things to me very slowly, it's not so bad. I wish I picked up languages faster but I really have to work. I'll make it, I promise.

I've also been running almost every day. Just one mile. I enjoy this. I really enjoy not going out to run and either 1) feeling guilty for not running ten bajillion miles or 2) dreading the run alll day.

However being up here early, with such little time with my family, has in one way or another led to missing them. Weird. They're a bunch of goons... but then I look in the mirror and realize... I am one of them. It's scary.

I guess that's a short update. "Finding inner peace" is a long road but I am well on my way.

Goodnight. [I'm not really sleeping. I'm going to go pack for Humboldt tomorrow. WOO!]

Did you know (Jan 11)

Did you know that Sarah Palin is joining Fox news?

Five years, countless months, and a loan. Hope I'm ready able to make my own good home

Grizzly Bear. What can I say? I've tried to put them into words, but I can't. Actually, I don't want to because whatever I write wouldn't even begin to scratch the surface of how amazing they have been to me and this world. My biggest regret is not finding out about them sooner. My favorite band of this year, Grizzly Bear, has consumed me with their musical genius-ness.

I have mentioned them before in passing, but this song, "Ready, Able" is definitely one of my favorites on their most recent album "Veckatimest". Edward Droste's voice puts me in this sleep like stupor that has me swaying side to side with my hands in the air. I absolutely love the way it makes me feel. Backed by his three bandmates who harmonize in the best melodic fashion I have yet to witness, this four piece band is everything I ever wanted and more.

I planned on showing the music video, but I felt that it didn't give the song any justice. I found the live version they did on Letterman, which is by far the best performance I've seen of this song. It made me cry the first time I saw it.

One of my dreams is to see Grizzly Bear live. If I am ever in a coma, I am telling you now that only Edward Droste will bring me back to consciousness. I am serious.

DId you know (Jan 6)

Did you know that Wonderbread began in 1920 in Indianapolis?

Did you also know that they make 35 million loaves a week? That means 180 loaves a minute are being made!

Awake Late

I really need to stop taking naps so late.

I really love Kanye West's music. He may not have the best reputation, but I will never dislike his artistic talent as a musician. He breaks barriers in hip-hop to not only improve himself, but to re-define the hip-hop industry's image.

Honestly, I think people only see his temper tantrums and his arrogant behavior and never recognize the talent that he truly has. Producing tracks for some of the hottest hip-hop and r&b tracks out there, I am proud to say that I am a fan.



This is one of my favorite songs by Kanye called "Heard Em Say" featuring the ever so sexy, Adam Levine. I really enjoy this song because it discusses inner city life and the desire for wealth through drugs and hustling the streets. It also talks about the influence adults have on children in these urban communities. It's pretty personal to me, having lived in a society where minorities honestly believe that dealing drugs is a far better option than getting an education.

Though this has been spoken about in the past through rap music, I still respect Kanye for admitting that there are problems with this mentality rather than glorifying it in the media. I enjoy the art in this video as well, it's really old school and original by an indie artist. Sorry I forgot his name, it's at the end but I looked up his work and it's awesome!

In the end, I love his music that delivers a message about society rather than his antics on awards shows and his DIARY ENTRIES THAT ARE ALWAYS IN CAPS LIKE THIS.

Did you know (Jan 5)

Did you know that octopus and starfish arms regenerate if one is somehow removed?

Hi all,

I felt like writing. I am bored and tired of looking at my sister. She's getting addicted to facebook and keeps bombarding me with questions about it. It's kinda cute actually, like learning how to read for the first time, except she's reading wall posts and learning how to "like" things. So if she's sending you something, it definitely means she enjoys your company.

In fact, at this moment, she is attempting to convince my middle school friend Joe that we should date. This is very embarrassing and awkward seeing as I have not seen him since our 2004 graduation. My goodness, what am I to do with her?

What am I to do?

Last Year is Past Dear

The new year rings in, as my heart glows with the promise of a fresh start.

Last year is past dear, and hopefully it will remain there; at least some parts.

Last year is past dear, and part of me is missing, but I'm glad it's gone

Because without that part, another lives on, in a life much easier

And I love on, knowing that I really did make a difference.

Last year is past dear, and another part is gone, one that will remain that way

Because I don't need it anymore, and he didn't deserve it anyway.

Now that I think about it, he didn't either.

Last year is past dear, but some parts remain.

The family I have, the friends that I've gained.

These I hope to keep for many a year to come,

But they are the remnants of a year I'm glad is gone

Because this, my dear, will be my year

If only I can take it step by step, bit by bit.

That seems to be how You want it.

A Stubborn Mind

Me, my brother, and sister. Oh my have we grown!

It's my first post of 2010! I've decided to write my personal thoughts on the new year.

I'll be 20 in 6 months and I am finding that very strange. I feel that my childhood was like yesterday, perhaps because I still act like a child? I'm not sure but I remember key events vividly, like the day that I began middle school thinking that switching classrooms was the coolest thing since pizza bagel bites. Or the fact that I ended up hating middle school after a week because I was a late bloomer with a rolling bag while everyone else had C cup boobs and cereal boxes for backpacks.

Needless to say, that was the past and the years after spring of 2004 were ones that I will never take back. Most people hated high school, I did in a sense, but my fondest and most memorable moments outnumber the bad ones and I choose to be happy about my lifelong friends and getting closer to my family.

As I am contemplating right now, and I am thinking of how much I've changed. I am stumped though because I don't think I've changed that much. I am still the nerdy baby who loves cartoons and writing poetry in the margins of notebooks. I think I have become less of a baby if that's hard to believe, though sometimes I really have to catch myself when I get annoying.

So, here is my list of apologies in 2009:

-Sorry for my baby-like behavior that puts me in sour moods. *To make this better, just be sincere and tell me that you love me with a great hug attached.

-Being a jerk to Alysha. I always go home and think about the things that I say and I shouldn't be so mean to you because you are always there to listen.

- Clogging people's toilets. :(

- Staying in my room all last semester and not socializing.

- Also being a jerk to my sister when she doesn't deserve it.

- Not visiting Ava baby enough.

- Relying on people to do things for me when I can do them or learn to do them myself.

-Pinching Jay Paul when I promised him I wouldn't.

- Not visiting my Berkeley buddies enough and not inviting my other friends to see if they'd like to come with me.

This 2010, I don't want any resolutions to change myself because that's never set in stone and it comes naturally. Instead, I am just going to be spontaneous and do what I want for once. This is not a goal, but a promise to myself. Here is a little sneak preview of what I am going to do this year! :D

1. Visit one of my friends who lives in another state. I haven't decided yet on which one I'm going to see but I'll get back to you.

2. Start on my DIY book of poetry! My goal is to leave them in bookstores, libraries, shoeboxes, etc. and just give it away for free with the hopes that it will inspire many!

3. Volunteer! Volunteer! VOLUNTEER! It puts me in the best mood. Helping others is what I was meant to do in life! It brings me so much joy and it's a passion of mine that I never get bored of!

Yes or no. Should I continue this?

I do not eat eggs. I have never eaten eggs, but there they were sitting in front of me like two greasy eyeballs screaming, “Cholesterol, Cholesterol!” I didn’t order them I would never order them but my Russian friend did. I called him that because well he’s Russian; also he insisted that I call him and well he has a gun, so I pretty much do whatever he tells me. In front of him sat the French toast, the one thing on the menu I thought looked appetizing, everything else consisted of eggs. He owned the small diner in which we sat, Mother’s Home Diner is what I think its called. “So,” he said to me in a very thick accent, “Vill you be able to do this?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied.
“Vhat do you mean you are not sure?”
“Look I drive a limo. You want me to pick up some friends of yours at the airport I don’t see why we have to talk about this in private. In fact you probably should have just called my boss and asked for me.”
“Ve did not vish to call your boss, I don’t want any records that my friend vas in this country. All you have to do is pick him up show him around the city and drop him off at this location.” He slid a folded piece of paper across the table. I reached for it but his stern look through me off. “You do know I don’t have my own car,” I said.
“Ve vill provide one for you. It vill be dropped off at your house the day before the job.”
“And how much is the pay again?”
“Five thousand up front and five thousand more vhen job is done.”
“Will you let me think about it?”
“No.”
“Just give me a day?”
“No.”
“Tonight then, I’ll have an answer for you by eight o’clock.”
“Mister Porter I am not sure if I have made myself entirely clear, you either take job or you don’t is very simple.”
I couldn’t help it ten thousand dollars is a lot of money and I really needed it “Ok,” I said, “I’ll take the job.” A smile spread across his bearded face. “Good,” he said, “we have a deal.” He looked down at his breakfast, “you know I do not like French toast perhaps you vould like to have it, no?” I hartily agreed to take it off his hands. We switched plates and I hastily wolfed down my breakfast. The whole time he stared at me sipping at his orange juice and didn’t once touch his eggs. I think the eggs were poisoned.

resolution

New Years is a time to start a resolution as many people lead me to believe. And most resolutions are about an improvement of self, kicking the bad habits and starting something new. Well for the first time in my life I had rum, and I like rum, so my new year’s resolution is to drink more rum.