It's so strange how friends come into your life. You have no clue how the relationship will turn out and your impressions of them will change drastically in a matter of seconds. I can say that as I begin my third year of college (it still freaks me out), that I have met some amazing people that I can say will be lifelong friends.

Before I moved, I was slowly getting used to not seeing some of my high school best friends everyday. We were all beginning our life elsewhere and that is a hard thing to transition to enough let alone not seeing your best friend everyday for 6 hours; telling them the latest drama in your life or your newest crush. No, you leave that all behind and though your relationship is still strong with your high school friends, you itch to find something new; someone who you can fall back on when the COLLEGE DRAMA occurs. You usually tell your high school friends about it on the phone later that night, but they're not there to get the full effect, they don't truly understand it, because whether we like it or not, we change in this chapter of our life and it isn't the same as before. It doesn't have the same effect it once had on you.

Anyway, I'm typing this because I just wanted to have some sort of closure in this part of my life. I am sad. Really sad. One of my best friends has just left for Spain and I won't be seeing her for 10 months. I met her in college. It was like yesterday, I remember meeting this beautiful, tall girl with these big blue eyes. I remember thinking, "Why is she talking to me? She is too beautiful to be talking to me?" Then she spoke and I found out she was a major book nerd who had dreams of exploring the city and expanding the depths of her mind in an unknown land just like me. She was loud, hilarious, sarcastic, and poetic. I ended up loving her by the time school started and I knew she was gonna be my best friend. She was there for all the craziness and all the mishaps of my life at SF State. She was there to listen to all my issues and she gave some of the best advice and kindest words that made me get through it all.

My emotions hadn't caught up with the idea that she would be gone until I talked to her last night. After I got off the phone, my heart felt heavy, but in a good way. Don't get me wrong, I was extremely sad but I have faith that we will stay in contact as much as possible. Though I won't be able to live those defining moments with her, I will be there to listen like I high school friend does when we enter college. It won't be the same, but it doesn't matter. When you're close enough as friends, then you'll always feel close to the raw emotions they will share with you; the life changing moments as long as they are willing to explain it to you as if you were sitting on their bed with their pillow close to your chest.

Laura, your purple pillows are close to my chest and I hope to be there listening every part of the way.

As she departs from LA and arrives to Spain, I feel like this will be the best years of our lives. I'm sad. I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I'm proud. I'm glad her dreams are coming true.

Laura Rose Fennell, I love you.

Looking Back at Last Year

It's funny to think back on my Sophomore year. I was an excited newbie in the RA world with goals of helping freshman adjust to life at school just as Asmeret had done for me. She was a role model in my life and I hoped to be that to others.

Long story short, being an RA was the path I was to take and instead, I lived a year's worth of stress, depression, and unhappiness. Never in my life had I felt so disappointed in myself and the way I treated others. Never in my life had I felt so unsatisfied with my life. For days, I would stay secluded in my room and ignore every problem that was thrust into my life. As if school and work weren't enough, the relationships I had with my closest friends were barely hanging on a string. It was too much. I worried myself sick about things that did not matter. My priorities were not in order.

At the end of the year, I was not only relieved but thankful that I was done with everything I tried so hard to maintain. And now, as I look back outside of the glass, I realize that the job was not cut for me. My heart wasn't in it and I wasn't serious about it. Though some people are, it just wasn't me. I am in a happier place now, in a home far enough away from campus where I can relax and take time off to think. Though many of my friends are still RAs, hearing them complain about how they didn't go to bed til 6am makes me absolutely thrilled that I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I told myself this year that I would work hard and assist people in my own way. I have many things in store that I am extremely excited about and I hope that I can share them with everyone. I am much more stable mentally and I feel that this is going to be an amazing year for me.

Many things have changed and my closest friends are gone exploring new places in the world. I know that it is best for us. I have faith that each and everyone one of us will learn just as much as we did last year with many trials and errors (which Alysha and I have already made lol). I just can't wait to hear the stories.

- Bree

PS- I am soooooooo tired. I just really want to sleep.

Elton!

Hey guys,

I know that no one comes on this anymore, but I wanted to write down the events of this evening and I don't know where on earth my journal has gotten to. Tonight Cathy's family invited me to see Elton John in concert! It was soo oooo oooo cool! We went to Cricket amphitheater and we were very very early. We met up with some of their friends and ate some snacks. Then we filed into the amphitheater (which took a while, as it was very disorganized) and took our seats. Elton came on right on time, wearing this really cool black and blue suit, with a sparkly picture of a man (probably him) hanging out of a crocodile's mouth! It sounds weird, and it was, but it was definitely a crocodile and I liked it haha. He was so good in concert! He has been playing for almost 40 years now, and his voice has not gone all Bob Dylan-y. Some of the songs he played were Levon, Daniel, Tiny Dancer, Grey Seal, Rocketman, Someone Saved My Life Tonight, Saturday Nights Alright, Philadelphia Freedom, Candle in the Wind, Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me, Goodbye Yellowbrick Road, Bennie and the Jets, The Bitch is Back, Your Song, and Circle of Life! He also played a new song entitled Never Too Old To Hold Somebody, which was so cute. I recorded Tiny Dancer on my camera, and it sounds so good! I am so happy with it, especially since at the concert it sounded awful when I tried to replay what I had recorded. But after bringing it home I have realized that digital cameras that friends buy you for your birthday are way better at recording than cellular telephonos. He also just improvised for quite a while, probably 5-10 minutes at least of just him playing piano. Poor Elton though, he was sick while performing! After playing Tiny Dancer, he apologetically excused himself, saying that he has a stomach virus. He went backstage for a few minutes and returned, informing us that he had just thrown up and was ready to continue. He then played for two straight hours! As Russell said, "Elton John's a monster." During The Bitch is Back, this woman jumped up onstage and started dancing around! She was onstage for maybe 20 seconds total; these big dudes in white came right on over and escorted her off. It was really funny though. Elton John is a great performer. I didn't expect watching a guy play piano for three hours to be fun, but he made great facial expressions, and the songs were so fun that time flew.

I am going to get flowers for the Weirs tomorrow or Monday to make sure they know that I appreciate the invitation to join them tonight. I told them, but I'd like to do something extra as well. I got some awesome pictures of him too; my camera has an awesome zoom on it!

It's bedtime now, I just wanted to write this down somewhere, while it's still fresh in my brain.

this is what happens when I have homework...

Dear Magical Genie Whom I Hope to Find Someday,

Please hurry up. I have papers to write, and I was hoping you could eradicate them forever for me. Thanks. While you're at it, can you please give me awesome knowledge absorbing powers, so that, like a sponge absorbing a spill in the kitchen, I can absorb any number of facts and theories, and be able to constructively use them in my daily life. Now that I have knowledge absorbency powers, I can easily become wealthy or famous or whatever, not that I would ever want to, but just in case. Unfortunately, I doubt that these powers will give me significant knowledge about the general direction of my life. So, if you could provide some key choices, sorta like in Who Wants to Be A Millionaire, that would be truly delightful. This way, I may still make bad decision, but the chances are much slimmer. Glad we settled this. Thanks Magical Future Genie.

Did You Know (March 25)

Did you know that you can maintain the color of your jeans, and prevent them from shrinking, by washing them in cold water every few weeks (or less), and hanging them up to dry instead of using a dryer?

I am.

I write another stanza of this poem every other week. I have a love/hate relationship with this poem and I fear that it will never be complete.

I am a struggle underneath a cup of tea.
I am in a fight with a coaster
and a battle to dirty the glass coffee table.
Let me be your annoyance,
let me be your desire to wipe me clean of my sins.

I am listening to the friction of a bed with loose railings.
Bumping against the wall,
closing the gap as her squeaky clean appearance falls underneath the bed.
Let me be your annoyance,
let me be the one who keeps you up at night.

I am a copy machine imitating art on pastel xerox paper.
Creating duplicates of the original.
Clones with wasted ink that will be seen and stuffed away in backpacks and desks.
Let me be your annoyance,
let me quietly make copies of a message that will be ignored and thrown away.

I am the constant ebb and flow of an ocean's tide
Highs and lows, I have some things to hide.
As the full moon mysteriously sets forth these waves,
I'll crash beneath the rocks and pave another way.
Let me be your annoyance,
let me soothe you with the harsh sounds of the sea.

This is the song to my life right about now.

Born Ruffians. They make my heart tingle. Lately, I've been thinking too much and this song sums about 2 years of my life in about 2 minutes.

BTDubs- Singer Luke Lalonde is so amazing, he did this song in one take and almost passed out due to shortness of breath. You go boy.

This Sentence will Save/Ruin Your Life



I need to know who I am
and what I'm going to do while I'm on earth
I need to understand
everything and everybody's lives

I need to get up tomorrow
I have to mail that letter and pay that bill
deadlines, deadlines, deadlines
write that essay, and pray on the windowsill

lines, lines jump from line to line
just one, do one at a time
this one's all about mine mine mine
solve one try then keep on trying
i'm sculpting my philosophy
in patterns going 1,2,3
I'm trying your monogamy
in increments of 1 through 3

I need to eat I'm hungry
I'll grab a bite of a BLT
That's all I want right now...
With some juice, no... coffee.

I need a girlfriend, I'm lonely
Someone to love me and fuck me
I need to get laid immediately
But also someone to fulfill my needs

I need success to be wealthy
I'm hanging on to my simplicity
I need a nice car and nice clothes
Fatter lips and a smaller nose
I need to learn I need to grow
I want to know. No no no no no no no no
I need nice hair... no women
Nice hair, then women. Until then...

lines, lines jump from line to line
just one, do one at a time
this one's all about mine mine mine
solve one try then keep on trying
I'm sculpting my philosophy
in patterns going 1,2,3
I'm trying post modernity
in increments of 1 through 3

Tall Enough

Tall Enough from Strike Anywhere on Vimeo.

Tall Enough is short film by director, Barry Jenkins. It tells the story of an interracial couple living together as photographers in New York City.

I stumbled upon this gem when I was looking for another movie directed by Barry Jenkins called Medicine for Melancholy that I saw last year. Hoping to find it on DVD, I just so happened to click the right link from google at the right time and...viola! I found yet another reason to support Jenkins and his amazing work as a new director.

I just love the way Jenkins takes a taboo in African American society and exposes it into a beautiful masterpiece. His message is concise with little controversy (unlike some other Black directors *cough* Spike Lee *cough*), which is why I hope to see more of him in the future!

The Greates Bed

Lately I’ve been thinking about my old room. Not my first college dorm full of awkward and uncomfortable moments, only to be tossed aside 6 months later. Nor have I been thinking of the familiar room that I’ve lived in since the third grade until my first semester of college. No, the room I’m thinking of is my old bed that sat in the hallway tucked against the closet. This is with out a doubt my favorite room. The hotels in foreign countries could not match the exotic flavor of my old desk/bunkbed. From what I remember of hotels the wonders and excitement they held stretched as far as I could see out the window. But the bed, the bed would become a ship cast away by the waves and at the mercy of the winds it would arrive in the most wonderful and amazing lands that the imagination could hold. My room itself was whatever connected to the feet of my bed. Kitchen, living room, and dining room were my room connected to the hall way connected to the bed. The outside with were my room connected to the porch, to the door, to the hall way, to the bed. Every tree was a castle waiting to be conquered, and over every hill and around every corner was a new land wanting to be discovered. At night when I was tired and it was time for bed, instead of using the ladder, I would climb around the back shelves that were used for storage space, and I felt the same way the climbers of Everest felt. The exhilarating rush of reaching the top and stretching out your fingers to touch the ceiling of the world, yes that was indeed the best bed/desk/room/world and I wouldn’t trade the experience for the most lavish bedroom in the world.

Pretty & Nice- Tora Tora Tora

I like a band. They're from Boston. They're pretty AND nice. I didn't know people could exist with both of those qualities, but now I do and my mind has indeed been blown. I've learned a lot from them and you should too.

This song is very catchy and kind of spastic. It's called Tora Tora Tora. Don't ask me what it's about because I have no clue. Something about the japanese and the atomic bomb. They also discuss seaweed.

Have fun with this.

Thoughts

I haven't written much in a while. I guess it's because I've been thinking too much about writing something worthwhile but instead I've ended up with witty comebacks in my head that make sense to no one but me. I try so hard to be clever, but I am realizing more and more each day that I am not. I suck at metaphors, they just don't come to me, as much as I love them, I am more cliche than the next person. Also, my mind changes constantly so what I like one day, I end up hating the next.

I fear that my desire for originality makes me unoriginal. In this generation, we all have this aim to be different; to stand out from what is normal. In each aching belly of the youth, there is the need to put on some skinny jeans and rebel against the status quo. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that our desire to rebel and be different IS the status quo.

I don't want to be a Youtube celebrity or have over a million followers on twitter, all I want to do is help get kids off the streets and into arts while exploring the world outside of their ghetto bubble. I'd like to write a book of poetry and read it to my kids one day. I want to wear an elegant dress every once in awhile and I want to make my mommy proud. If I can accomplish these simple, unoriginal goals, then I have lived my life happily.

I had a lot of other goals, but I have crossed them off of my list. Many of them being have happened out of sheer luck and amazing friendships. Others due to optimism and just not worrying over the things that hinder me from loving life.

Trapt in a hell that should be home

I get the feeling that I hate where I live. People I don't know coming in on my space. I cant leave, I have no where to go, I don't want to stay, but I have no choice. There is nothing I can do cause I live with the magnet that attracts the problem. People who can't think straight because they can't control their vices, who have clouded their already primal brains, barge in without warning. They loose control over everything, even basic motor skills. I can't get out. They all continuously come and go breaking my silence, breaking my peace. They treat me like I'm the outsider when they are in my home eating and drinking my things without asking or hesitation because of the chameleon that changes it skin continuously to fit in. Taking my side and locking the door when they leave but only to unlock it and be one of them when they return. Always quick to please them holding itself under there finger. My heroes who usually save me are tied up in other matters. I am force to isolate myself for the sake of my rising temper. The magnet leaves but the others do not follow instead they feel the need to linger and spread disease throughout my space. I bring the magnet back and make it remove all that doesn't belong. Now I have restored my peace, my silence but it has left scars in my space.

This is for SMO and wishuponaguitar and who ever else might feel stuck

Float on by Modest Mouse

Stuck

I feel stuck. I feel like life could be passing me by, sorta like the words that float through my head, but they can't get out because my throat, like my life, is stuck. Luckily, one of those stuck things will go away reasonably soon. Being sick doesn't last forever, but sometimes life stays stuck. I've seen it. We all have. Those big shot business guys, with nothing to look forward to but the next deal, so they can buy the next thing. Honestly, being stuck in someone else's life...someone else's idea of what life should be...scares me more than anything else. But the question then becomes, 'what do I want?' And my answer is 'I don't know.' Which leaves me, again, stuck.

Did You Know (Feb 25)

Did you know that the voice of Edna in The Incredibles was done by a man? His name is Brad Bird, and he actually directed the movie as well.

I hate how my emotions run me. I'm so sensitive and I hate it.

one more thought

I can't stand when people talk in riddles. I almost can't handle it. It's why my favorite people to be around are kids because they tell it like it is. I never second guess if they're secretly thinking something else. Come on people. Straighten out or get the fuck out. Just tell it like it is or leave me alone. I just can't handle it anymore. I'm so fucking tired of guessing. 


Quit pretending to be artistic when you're not.
Quit being cool when no one cares.
Take off your ugly shoes because they aren't making a statement.
Take that stupid cigarette out of your mouth because you don't look cool.
Leave your ego on your dresser because there's more to life than how big it can get.
Keep your judgements out of my face. I don't care. 

Me

I'm so fragile. Instead of thinking of all the things that are wrong with me I think I need to shut up and accept it. How many times have I thought to myself, "I can't handle this." What is my limit. When do I reach the point where I can't turn back. How can I put my emotions on a limb, so far away from me,  susceptible to a pain I never want to feel. How do we go about this life without hurt. Maybe the point is we don't. 

Did You Know (Feb 13)

Did you know that eating a banana can help you do better on tests? They help you stay more alert. Bananas are actually good for you in a ton of ways. Someone on Yahoo is very familiar with their benefits, here is what they said:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20061109062934AA9tBiY

did You Know Roman Edition II (Feb 12)

Did you know that Tiberius was the emperor after Augustus? He was not the first choice either, but Augustus' two sons died before he did. Tiberius didn't seem to want to rule either; he spent most of his time outside of Rome. he had a resort at Sperlonga, which had a cave grotto. In the grotto were tons of statues, set up to be admired in the dining room of the cave.

Can she make up her mind?
She's indecisive in a world with the rings a dings
and the blinding light of her LED screen.
That phone attached to her hip
is also attached to her sticky fingers
which type informal English

It's so easy to not know what to say
And it's so hard to be politically correct nowadays.
She sits with her T9 at the ready,
Hoping that her phone will spell out something meaningful.
For her, she's figuring out the world that's literally in the palm of her hand,
But to him it's just a message he'll probably never reply to.

She waits for what seems like generations,
but won't text back for fear of being too needy
like the phones stuffed in the back pocket of every blue jeans dream.
If we live in such a high speed rapid motorola highway,
then why is it so difficult for her to just dial his number?

Because she's afraid of awkward hello's
that slur out of mouths slowly.
As if calling a person is forbidden
and spilling your feelings through speech is unnatural.
And finally after minutes of waiting, a new text message pops up on the screen
only to find out his one worded reply is simply 'hey'.

Just hey.

Just listen please

If there is anyone who inspires me for my poetry and my philosophical thoughts, it is Lauryn Hill. I really wish she'd just come back and DIY her music. Music is getting ridiculous. We need her back.

My pockets are filled with loose nickels and dimes
But I am still scrounging around for change.
It's never enough, I never have enough though my purse is filled with bus transfers
And a pen that wants to write down everything I am thinking but am too afraid to say.
See, I wish that you could see me
In my most desperate moment.
This is the part where I know where I'm going,
But I still feel lost.

I have decided to walk
Because I am poor, but also because I'd like to clear my mind.
I just want you to know that I am taking a step off the curb
And into the street where their eyes are watching me impatiently as I cross.
I have only 10 seconds left, I feel so rushed!
If only time slowed down
And flowed with the music I am listening to that is helping me with my anxiety.

And music is such a beautiful person.
I want to heal the world the way she has for me.
And I think I want to be a singer
Because I can kinda sing,
But with enough practice, I can become great!
And with enough confidence, I can sing better than Beyonce!

All I need is confidence.
To be a singer,
To cross the street,
And to utter these words I've been meaning to tell you for awhile...


I love you.

Did You Know Roman Edition I (Feb 8)

Did you know that Augustus, who ruled Rome after Julius Caesar, wasn't emperor at first? He started out as a military leader. Through some excellent battles, he became Rome's most powerful general. Then he was elected by the Senate as a Tribune, which meant he could convene Senate meetings, veto legislation, and was basically the highest level of the judicial system. Then he was given the honor of Pontifex Maximus, which was the highest level of the priesthood.

So basically, Augustus was given all of his power legally, and he was in charge of the military, the judicial system, and the church. All at one time. This had never happened in Rome before, and, as many of Augustus' successors will prove, it may not have been a great idea.

Still, Augustus did a lot of super cool things for Rome, not the least of which was ending civil war and finishing unfinished projects that Caesar began.

Just sayin...

Lady Gaga deserved to win album of the year.

Grammy's, you fail.

The House

The sun dreams of her bed and begins her descent. The man wipes his brow and looks around. Everyone else is gone. They have been gone for a long time now, but he refuses to give up. He knows that when it's finished, this plot of empty will hold a house. A house for a family. He committed to this job, and he will finish. The problem is the house itself. It doesn't want to be built. The man packs up his tools and rides off into the darkness and the house frame sighs in relief, when the man's red eyes disappear. Before the sun has has had her morning coffee, the man is back, hammering, drilling, sawing. All the while the house resists. The measured plank wont fit, the nails go missing, the batteries in the drill die. Sometimes the man can actually feel the house leaning away from him. He talks to it, trying to calm it down, aware that if anyone were there he would look crazy, but alone, he's comforted that he can talk to a house if he chooses. He laughs to himself as he realizes that everyone thinks he's nuts anyway, for continuing this long abandoned project. Days pass, weeks. The house continues to resist, sighing when his red lights vanish, and tensely holding its breath when the sun opens her eyes. Some days are better than others, but every day is a struggle. Still the man works. The frame gets finished, then the roof. He knows what he's doing, and he just does it, knowing that this project will be well worth the hardship. He doesn't know that the biggest fear of the house is standing, full, beautiful, and eternally empty.

3rd Person Perspective

I'm not sure if I believe in God.
Not because I haven't seen Him,
But because I'm not certain if I am worthy just yet.
Who knows when it will happen,
Who knows when I will prove myself?
The hands that have created this world is what I have yet to understand.

They say to feel love, you must first feel pain.
But to what degree?
When will I feel that unsettling feeling that will leave me in constant tears?
And how will I escape from it?
I have been hurt before,
But I don't think it is enough.
I have felt more pleasure than agony,
So much that I have lost count of my blessings.

And I never wonder if this is God communicating with me,
Telling me that what I am doing are good deeds,
Because I am not the only one in this world who suffers from happiness.
Instead I question His motives,
I question His character,
But most of all, I question His choices,
Wondering if all the lucky coins in my jar on the shelf were meant for me.

DId you know (Jan 26)

Did you know that in the making of The Incredibles, the animators had a really tough time keeping all the food in the right places when the family was at dinner? If you look closely, you can see some mistakes even, but you probably would never have seen them without knowing what to look for.

Did you know (Jan 25)

Did you know that the teachers who don't assign their own furlough days are literally working for no pay? The teachers at school have a 10% pay cut, which we know, and so have days where they won't be paid. Some teachers don't come to class on those days. Others do however, and so even though there is less money for more work on their part, they still come in and teach us, and they don't complain. Good job budget cuts.

Did you know (Jan 21)

Did you know that the word breakfast separates to make break fast? The reason it's called breakfast is because you are 'breaking your fast' from the last meal you ate.

Humboldt

While we were in Humboldt, I had some ideas for some writing, and I will hopefully continue them, but I just want to write them in here so I can delete them from my phone.

My heart quivers as I wait, sword drawn, for the beast the trees grow on to awake, (and to face me so that I can defeat it, or pretend to as my ancestors did before me. )

The trees ruffle their leaves and the sound of David Bowie breaking their eternal silence, but before they can reach out (to stop it) the car has passed (is past)

As I sit in the airport terminal waiting for my hour delayed flight, I am writing to keep myself occupied, but mostly writing to inform you of a righteous man who stood up for justice and world equality, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

His "I Have A Dream" speech doesn't even scratch the surface of what he did to change our society. The civil rights movement was a historical moment in history in which Dr. King influenced thousands with his powerful speeches and activity throughout America. Not only did he encourage African-Americans to demand their human rights, but he declared that all ethnicities unite for the greater good.

Today, on the radio, I was listening to his speech "If I were a Drumming Major" (I think that was the title, don't quote me on it) and it moved me. As an orator, Dr. King didn't just speak publicly, but he encouraged change, he brought forth optimism, and most of all, hope during troubling times when very few believed that our society would improve.

Knowing and understanding that the civil rights movement was barely 50 years ago and the impact it had on the decades afterward is astonishing. Though we still have so much to change and fight for, I am still very thankful that people like Dr. Martin Luther King have paved the way for me to fight for the cause even further. I look at my mother's birth certificate that classifies her as "Negro" and I think of how humble I am. I am able to eat at the same table with my friends who are of a different skin color, I have the right to vote and voice my opinions publicly, but most of all I am able to go to college without being scrutinized.

So many doors have opened for us as a nation, however; I still understand that there are many more that need to be unlocked in order to improve ourselves and our community. There is still racism out there, though at times it goes unnoticed. There is sexism, ableism (discrimination in favor of the able), homophobia, xenophobia, intolerance of religions, etc. It is up to our generation to make sure that these issues are not swept under the rug. It is up to us to identify the problem and propose plans to fix them.

So let's put up a good fight for those who helped us. Let's make sure that the next generation has something to learn from. And remember to not ignore those who fought and sacrificed for us.

Happy Birthday Dr. Martin Luther King.

I miss my dad. I miss going with him on a backpacking trip with no cell phones, no internet, no way of contacting me. Just me and my dad. I don't worry about what he thinks of me, I just know he'll love me no matter what. I miss my dad. I miss my family and the comfort that comes with it. I'm also sick of feeling like I wanna run far away because I'm tired of dealing with the way I feel. World doesn't work like that. Not even for a second. So now that I got that out of my system I'm gonna suck it up and go do something that distracts my restless mind.

What am I to do now?

I finished the last episode of my latest fix, brit drama/comedy Misfits. Now, I don't know what to do with my life. I guess I'll just watch American Idol, but nothing compares to Robert Sheehan's sexy face. Just look at him and tell me he isn't beautiful?

When I go back to school, I am going to be missing out on so many reality shows I've been watching like Bad Girls Club, The Real World Washington D.C, and Millionaire Matchmaker! I can't believe I've gotten so obsessed! I am seriously considering getting a t.v, but then I'll never be seen again by my friends and I'll skip class.

I don't remember what life was like without television. Help?

I hate chores

It’s a strange feeling running with an axe. I don’t much care for, especially going down hill. I wasn’t sure how it started, I think I tried to jump over a log and suddenly I was running. I tried to stop but the decline and my own momentum wouldn’t allow me. The only thing I could really think of was, “if I fall throw the axe one way and the clippers another.” I kept repeating it to myself, “throw the axe one way. Throw the axe away. Throw it.” At one point I almost convinced myself to throw it then and come back for it later. But I didn’t and eventually I was able to slow down. Still I wonder if I had tripped would I have reacted in time.

This was a huge pick-me-up

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
— Mother Teresa

Smolita

I'm PMSing. Do I have a song to express how I feel? Not really. Unless you have a song about an emotionally ravaged girl, jumping from extremes of every emotion you can imagine almost every hour. I wish there was someone who could write a song that clearly depicts exactly how I feel at my lowest, most depressed moment. Oh wait.



Really Sarah? Goodness. Cheer up.

Anyways. To be honest I really haven't been feeling the best emotionally and that is actually due to PMS. But seriously guys, I haven't been feeling as bad as our friend Sarah here.

I'm back in San Francisco studying spanish. Funny thing is, when I have a nice person willing to explain things to me very slowly, it's not so bad. I wish I picked up languages faster but I really have to work. I'll make it, I promise.

I've also been running almost every day. Just one mile. I enjoy this. I really enjoy not going out to run and either 1) feeling guilty for not running ten bajillion miles or 2) dreading the run alll day.

However being up here early, with such little time with my family, has in one way or another led to missing them. Weird. They're a bunch of goons... but then I look in the mirror and realize... I am one of them. It's scary.

I guess that's a short update. "Finding inner peace" is a long road but I am well on my way.

Goodnight. [I'm not really sleeping. I'm going to go pack for Humboldt tomorrow. WOO!]

Did you know (Jan 11)

Did you know that Sarah Palin is joining Fox news?

Five years, countless months, and a loan. Hope I'm ready able to make my own good home

Grizzly Bear. What can I say? I've tried to put them into words, but I can't. Actually, I don't want to because whatever I write wouldn't even begin to scratch the surface of how amazing they have been to me and this world. My biggest regret is not finding out about them sooner. My favorite band of this year, Grizzly Bear, has consumed me with their musical genius-ness.

I have mentioned them before in passing, but this song, "Ready, Able" is definitely one of my favorites on their most recent album "Veckatimest". Edward Droste's voice puts me in this sleep like stupor that has me swaying side to side with my hands in the air. I absolutely love the way it makes me feel. Backed by his three bandmates who harmonize in the best melodic fashion I have yet to witness, this four piece band is everything I ever wanted and more.

I planned on showing the music video, but I felt that it didn't give the song any justice. I found the live version they did on Letterman, which is by far the best performance I've seen of this song. It made me cry the first time I saw it.

One of my dreams is to see Grizzly Bear live. If I am ever in a coma, I am telling you now that only Edward Droste will bring me back to consciousness. I am serious.

DId you know (Jan 6)

Did you know that Wonderbread began in 1920 in Indianapolis?

Did you also know that they make 35 million loaves a week? That means 180 loaves a minute are being made!

Awake Late

I really need to stop taking naps so late.

I really love Kanye West's music. He may not have the best reputation, but I will never dislike his artistic talent as a musician. He breaks barriers in hip-hop to not only improve himself, but to re-define the hip-hop industry's image.

Honestly, I think people only see his temper tantrums and his arrogant behavior and never recognize the talent that he truly has. Producing tracks for some of the hottest hip-hop and r&b tracks out there, I am proud to say that I am a fan.



This is one of my favorite songs by Kanye called "Heard Em Say" featuring the ever so sexy, Adam Levine. I really enjoy this song because it discusses inner city life and the desire for wealth through drugs and hustling the streets. It also talks about the influence adults have on children in these urban communities. It's pretty personal to me, having lived in a society where minorities honestly believe that dealing drugs is a far better option than getting an education.

Though this has been spoken about in the past through rap music, I still respect Kanye for admitting that there are problems with this mentality rather than glorifying it in the media. I enjoy the art in this video as well, it's really old school and original by an indie artist. Sorry I forgot his name, it's at the end but I looked up his work and it's awesome!

In the end, I love his music that delivers a message about society rather than his antics on awards shows and his DIARY ENTRIES THAT ARE ALWAYS IN CAPS LIKE THIS.

Did you know (Jan 5)

Did you know that octopus and starfish arms regenerate if one is somehow removed?

Hi all,

I felt like writing. I am bored and tired of looking at my sister. She's getting addicted to facebook and keeps bombarding me with questions about it. It's kinda cute actually, like learning how to read for the first time, except she's reading wall posts and learning how to "like" things. So if she's sending you something, it definitely means she enjoys your company.

In fact, at this moment, she is attempting to convince my middle school friend Joe that we should date. This is very embarrassing and awkward seeing as I have not seen him since our 2004 graduation. My goodness, what am I to do with her?

What am I to do?

Last Year is Past Dear

The new year rings in, as my heart glows with the promise of a fresh start.

Last year is past dear, and hopefully it will remain there; at least some parts.

Last year is past dear, and part of me is missing, but I'm glad it's gone

Because without that part, another lives on, in a life much easier

And I love on, knowing that I really did make a difference.

Last year is past dear, and another part is gone, one that will remain that way

Because I don't need it anymore, and he didn't deserve it anyway.

Now that I think about it, he didn't either.

Last year is past dear, but some parts remain.

The family I have, the friends that I've gained.

These I hope to keep for many a year to come,

But they are the remnants of a year I'm glad is gone

Because this, my dear, will be my year

If only I can take it step by step, bit by bit.

That seems to be how You want it.

A Stubborn Mind

Me, my brother, and sister. Oh my have we grown!

It's my first post of 2010! I've decided to write my personal thoughts on the new year.

I'll be 20 in 6 months and I am finding that very strange. I feel that my childhood was like yesterday, perhaps because I still act like a child? I'm not sure but I remember key events vividly, like the day that I began middle school thinking that switching classrooms was the coolest thing since pizza bagel bites. Or the fact that I ended up hating middle school after a week because I was a late bloomer with a rolling bag while everyone else had C cup boobs and cereal boxes for backpacks.

Needless to say, that was the past and the years after spring of 2004 were ones that I will never take back. Most people hated high school, I did in a sense, but my fondest and most memorable moments outnumber the bad ones and I choose to be happy about my lifelong friends and getting closer to my family.

As I am contemplating right now, and I am thinking of how much I've changed. I am stumped though because I don't think I've changed that much. I am still the nerdy baby who loves cartoons and writing poetry in the margins of notebooks. I think I have become less of a baby if that's hard to believe, though sometimes I really have to catch myself when I get annoying.

So, here is my list of apologies in 2009:

-Sorry for my baby-like behavior that puts me in sour moods. *To make this better, just be sincere and tell me that you love me with a great hug attached.

-Being a jerk to Alysha. I always go home and think about the things that I say and I shouldn't be so mean to you because you are always there to listen.

- Clogging people's toilets. :(

- Staying in my room all last semester and not socializing.

- Also being a jerk to my sister when she doesn't deserve it.

- Not visiting Ava baby enough.

- Relying on people to do things for me when I can do them or learn to do them myself.

-Pinching Jay Paul when I promised him I wouldn't.

- Not visiting my Berkeley buddies enough and not inviting my other friends to see if they'd like to come with me.

This 2010, I don't want any resolutions to change myself because that's never set in stone and it comes naturally. Instead, I am just going to be spontaneous and do what I want for once. This is not a goal, but a promise to myself. Here is a little sneak preview of what I am going to do this year! :D

1. Visit one of my friends who lives in another state. I haven't decided yet on which one I'm going to see but I'll get back to you.

2. Start on my DIY book of poetry! My goal is to leave them in bookstores, libraries, shoeboxes, etc. and just give it away for free with the hopes that it will inspire many!

3. Volunteer! Volunteer! VOLUNTEER! It puts me in the best mood. Helping others is what I was meant to do in life! It brings me so much joy and it's a passion of mine that I never get bored of!

Yes or no. Should I continue this?

I do not eat eggs. I have never eaten eggs, but there they were sitting in front of me like two greasy eyeballs screaming, “Cholesterol, Cholesterol!” I didn’t order them I would never order them but my Russian friend did. I called him that because well he’s Russian; also he insisted that I call him and well he has a gun, so I pretty much do whatever he tells me. In front of him sat the French toast, the one thing on the menu I thought looked appetizing, everything else consisted of eggs. He owned the small diner in which we sat, Mother’s Home Diner is what I think its called. “So,” he said to me in a very thick accent, “Vill you be able to do this?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied.
“Vhat do you mean you are not sure?”
“Look I drive a limo. You want me to pick up some friends of yours at the airport I don’t see why we have to talk about this in private. In fact you probably should have just called my boss and asked for me.”
“Ve did not vish to call your boss, I don’t want any records that my friend vas in this country. All you have to do is pick him up show him around the city and drop him off at this location.” He slid a folded piece of paper across the table. I reached for it but his stern look through me off. “You do know I don’t have my own car,” I said.
“Ve vill provide one for you. It vill be dropped off at your house the day before the job.”
“And how much is the pay again?”
“Five thousand up front and five thousand more vhen job is done.”
“Will you let me think about it?”
“No.”
“Just give me a day?”
“No.”
“Tonight then, I’ll have an answer for you by eight o’clock.”
“Mister Porter I am not sure if I have made myself entirely clear, you either take job or you don’t is very simple.”
I couldn’t help it ten thousand dollars is a lot of money and I really needed it “Ok,” I said, “I’ll take the job.” A smile spread across his bearded face. “Good,” he said, “we have a deal.” He looked down at his breakfast, “you know I do not like French toast perhaps you vould like to have it, no?” I hartily agreed to take it off his hands. We switched plates and I hastily wolfed down my breakfast. The whole time he stared at me sipping at his orange juice and didn’t once touch his eggs. I think the eggs were poisoned.

resolution

New Years is a time to start a resolution as many people lead me to believe. And most resolutions are about an improvement of self, kicking the bad habits and starting something new. Well for the first time in my life I had rum, and I like rum, so my new year’s resolution is to drink more rum.